I am currently reading “The
Fault in Our Stars”, by John Green. In the story, the main character, Hazel
(Grace), is a terminal cancer patient, who’s tumor-shrinking miracle has bought
her some extra years (though she does not know how many). Through a rather
dismal Cancer Support Group that she is forced to attend, she meets a charming,
attractive boy named Augustus Waters. Through readings of An Imperial Affliction, gaming, and frightful driving, Hazel
(Grace, what Augustus calls her), falls in love with Gus (Augustus). However, when
Augustus tells her he’s in love with her, she doesn’t say anything at all.
Hazel (Grace) and Augustus are
sitting next to each other on a plane when Augustus tells her he’s in love with
her. She’s reading him poetry when he interrupts her. “‘I'm in love with you’
he said quietly. ‘Augustus,’ I said. ‘I am,’ he said. He was staring at me, and
I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. ‘I'm in love with you, and I'm
not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things.
I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and
that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come
a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will
swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.’” Hazel, who
is also in love with Augustus, doesn’t say it back. “‘Augustus,’ I said again,
not knowing what else to say. It felt like everything was rising up in me, like
I was drowning in this weirdly painful joy, but I couldn’t say it back. I
couldn’t say anything back. I just looked at him and let him look at me until
he nodded, lips pursed, and turned away, placing the side of his head against
the window.” Hazel Grace is in love with Gus. She knows it herself, and even in
that piece of textual evidence, she says, “It felt like I was drowning in this
weirdly painful joy.”
The reason she doesn’t say it back,
is because she doesn’t want to hurt Augustus. Well, not hurt him necessarily, she just doesn’t want him to fall in love
with her because she’s worried about the hurt he would feel if she were to die.
Gus’s previous girlfriend had died of cancer, and Hazel Grace doesn’t want him
to have to go through it again. Like she said in the book, she thinks of herself
as a ticking bomb, and she is trying to limit the people she would hurt if she
exploded. This part of the story really connected with me because, as I'm sure
most people could say, I have ‘not-said’ certain things as to not hurt someone,
and said or did something when I was actually thinking something else for the
same purpose. I think it’s something commonly done—lying to protect someone
from something, but is it really that person’s decision? Take Hazel Grace for
example. She doesn’t tell Augustus that she is also in love with him to protect
him from possible, future hurt, but is it right for her to keep that
information from him? If he were asked about the matter, I am sure he would
choose to know that Hazel Grace was in love with him, even if it meant possibly
getting hurt in the future. She makes the decision because she truly thinks it
is better from him, but in the long run, it probably isn’t so. In fact, she is probably hurting him more by pretending that she is not in love with him. It’s during this
part of the story when I had one of those reader moments where you just want to
physically jump inside the story and just tell
the character!
Like I said, I really connected
with this part of the story, but Hazel’s decision also bothered me. Some might
say she made the right decision, and—don’t get me wrong—I completely understand
where she’s coming from. However, I am a true believer in that people should
say how they feel. To quote The Kooks’ song “Down to The Marketplace”, “life’s
far too short for miscommunication”. Hazel Grace wants to protect Augustus, but
in turn, she is probably hurting him more. If he were given the option, I think
that he would choose to know that she was in love with them, and risk getting
hurt more later, and so would I if I were in that position. Either way, if
Hazel Grace died, Augustus would feel awful. If she died without telling him
how she truly feels, he would just feel a painful, numb feeling after he died,
probably with resentment—him wishing she loved him. If she told him how she felt,
and they spent however much time she has left (which could be a great amount)
together, happy, if she died, he would be devastated, but remember the good
times they had together, and would be able to blame it on an outside force that
took her away from him, not her herself. I think it is always better to tell
the truth then protect someone with a lie, because it allows the person
would-be-protected, and the person would-be-protecting to live their lives
truthfully, and saves them both for a lot more hurt when the truth came out. As
Augustus said, people shouldn’t deny themselves the “simple pleasure of saying
true things”.
P.S. Please don’t give anything
away about the story! I'm up to the part that I’ve written about and I’ve
already gotten enough spoilers about the story! (Don’t you just hate it when
that happens?) Thanks!
